


You Smile like You're Never Coming Back

by MidnightRavenFromTheClock



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: And angsty, Angst, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know Indonesian, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Incorrect use of Indonesian, Injured Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane & Clary Fray Friendship, Major Character Injury, Mind Manipulation, Near Death, Protective Alec Lightwood, References to Depression, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Worried Alec Lightwood, protective shadowhunter family, this is painful, while under a spell, worried Clary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-30 03:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19033519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightRavenFromTheClock/pseuds/MidnightRavenFromTheClock
Summary: Magnus is affected by the spell during Max's rune party, it doesn't go well.Magnus is injured; Clary can't afford to lose anyone else; and Alec knows only one phrase in Indonesian, but he's going to say it a thousand times if it makes a difference.





	You Smile like You're Never Coming Back

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for suicidal themes and depression. For me writing this stuff is therapeutic, since I can't talk about it with anyone. But if you think it might be a trigger for you, then please don't risk it.  
>   
> Anyway, I actually wrote most of this a few years ago when 2x8 aired, the good times before SH was cancelled. I forgot about it because I wasn't satisfied with it, but now I finally fixed it up, finished it and here we are.
> 
> The idea is what could have happened if Magnus was affected by the spell that brought out people's deepest fears. Especially considering his history. 2x8 was before the first 'I love yous' so keep that in mind. Also I'm deeply sorry for my attempt at Indonesian. Like Alec, I only know a single phrase and the rest is Google translate. The English meanings will be in brackets.

It starts with the mirror.

At least that’s the moment Magnus will remember later, once everything is said and done. He’s chatting with Maia, because he can’t deal with the shadowhunters, not after Maryse’s passive aggressive attempts at civility and certainly not after the look of horror on Max’s face. All in all, the evening has brought a bone-tired kind of weariness to Magnus, which is why he’s having an easy conversation with Maia - sweet Maia who doesn’t pass glares his way or step back with a look of disgust when he gets too close - when a flicker of something in one of his mirrors has him freezing mid-sentence.

Father.

Magnus’s father is in the reflection, there one moment and gone the next.

“Magnus?” Maia asks, frowning.

“Huh?” Magnus’s gaze falls back on Maia.

“I was asking if you’re okay.” Her eyes are tilted with concern. Its unwarranted, Magnus is fine. Perfectly.

“Of course,” He forces a smile. “I just need to go take care of something.”

He leaves to find Alexander, hoping the shadowhunter can lift some of his weariness. Alec is exceptionally good at that.

Instead he finds Clary. Seething and glaring daggers at Simon. No, no, no- no-no. Magnus can’t deal with this tonight, he _needs_ this party to work.

“That bastard! I’ll show him-”

“Biscuit! What ever happened, this is not the time nor the place.” Magnus tries to soothe.

“How am I supposed to stand around and watch this?” She points at Simon, in conversation with Raj by the drink cart.

Magnus stares between the pair and Clary’s tear-filled eyes. There’s something there, he knows, but he’s too tired to even begin untangling this mess. Just this once, can’t the shadowhunters solve their own issues? Magnus is in no place to do it for them. “Look, you’re here for Max. Don’t ruin his party.” Magnus asks, trying to convey the importance of his request through his eyes. _Tomorrow_ , he decides, _he will figure this out_.

There’s a tense moment before Clary nods. She pauses, staring at Magnus curiously. “Do you ever wonder what he sees in you?”

“What?” Magnus asks, confused.

Clary’s glaring at Simon again, angry tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. But when she speaks her voice is biting, cold. “There must be a reason he hasn’t left you _yet…_ ” She says, thoughtful as if she’s truly trying to find the answer. “I bet it’s the magic. It’s useful, you know, in our line of work.”

Magnus tilts his head, faking confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“Sure you do.” Clary shrugs. “You’ve always understood what you are to him - his own personal warlock.”

Magnus steps back, feeling like the breath has been knocked out of him. He’s known Biscuit her whole life, and she’s never once been cruel. Which is how Magnus knows she means those words.

“Magnus?” Clary’s confused voice rings from behind him, but he hurriedly walks out of the room, away from all those people who hate him _._ Once he’s out in the hallway, Magnus leans against the wall, trying to gather his scattering thoughts.

There’s a headache brewing somewhere out of reach. And it makes no sense, Magnus shouldn’t be getting headaches without overexerting himself first. Which he hasn’t. It’s alarming, something about this entire night has become alarming, what could possibly-

He closes his eyes and sees Camille, as beautiful as ever. Oh, how he loved her. Magnus gave all of himself away, hoping it could be enough. But now she’s speaking, laughing.

‘ _Just a way to pass the time…’_

_‘you didn’t really think…’_

_‘love? For an immortal it’s a chain…’_

_‘should know better…’_

_‘foolish…’_

_‘pathetic.’_

And she’s walking away, not sparing Magnus a second glance. How stupid he’d been to be fooled like that.

With a shake of his head, Magnus pushes himself off the wall and turns towards his study. He needs an escape from _the noise_ and _the people_ , to stop his thoughts from spinning before he goes mad.

“Jace?” He gapes at the blond shadowhunter in his study.

“Magnus!” Jace’s eyes are wild. “Maryse is trying to kill me!”

Magnus blinks. Maryse might be extreme, but to try to kill her own son? “What are you talking about?”

But Jace is already shaking his head. “You know he doesn’t mean it, don’t you?”

“What?” Magnus steps forward, magic brewing under his fingers as he scans the room. “Jace, where is Maryse?” Concern is growing in his chest.

“Alec. He doesn’t _really_ love you. I can tell.” He tilts his head, eyes full of pity.

Magnus breathes in sharply, the breath burning his lungs. When he speaks, his voice shakes and Magnus winces at the show of weakness. “I don’t know what you think you’re trying to do here Jace, but-”

And Jace laughs, the sound too alike with Camille’s. “Did you honestly think a _shadowhunter_ could actually care about a _demon_? Come on, warlock,” He steps closer, voice suddenly quiet, as if telling a secret. “after what you’ve _done_. Did you ever, even for a moment, believe anyone could _ever_ love you?”

Magnus’s breath hitches, his entire body freezing over. Flashes of flames, of his stepfather’s agonized screams flash through his mind. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

And then it’s not Jace at all, but his father standing before him, face burned and barely recognizable. “ _Kamu melakukan ini padaku_. _(/ You did this to me.)” _The smell of burned flesh makes Magnus gag.

He’s ten again, and hurt and afraid. He does what he did then and runs.

Only when the bedroom door slams behind him does Magnus allow himself to breathe.

Lilith, he’s centuries old and one of the most powerful warlocks on the planet, what is he doing? He needs to get a grip.

Get a grip-

He needs for it to stop.

“What’s happening to me?” Magnus whispers as he slides down to the floor, because the room is spinning and changing and every time he closes his eyes he’s assaulted by a new, horrible memory.

He sees Ragnor, dead on the floor. _His fault_.

His mother, covered in blood. _Abomination._

Dead downworlders staring at Magnus with lifeless eyes. _Not good enough_.

Magnus tries to focus, to anchor himself back to reality. Something horrible is happening, but that’s about as much as his head can process. It’s just too hard to keep fighting, to resist the awful truths being offered.

“ _Jangan melawannya._ (/ _Don’t fight it_.)”

Magnus squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head in denial. “You’re not real. You’re _dead_.”

“ _Karena kamu. (/ Because of you.)”_

No, no. Something is wrong- _very_ wrong. He needs help. “Alec… Alexander- Alexander!” But the music drowns out his scream. He’s never felt so alone.

“ _Dia tidak akan membantu kamu. Kamu adalah monster. Kamu pantas mati. (/ He won’t help you. You’re a monster. You deserve to die.)”_

“Stop it! You’re not really here, you’re in my head!” Magnus smacks his own forehead, as if it could be that easy to shake the darkness out. When he opens his eyes, he is face to face with his father, as solid as _that_ _day_ and it makes Magnus flinch violently. How can he remember that face after so many years? When so many others have long since faded form his mind…

“ _Seekor monster…_ _Dia tidak tahu, bukan? (/ Monster... He doesn’t know, does he?)”_

Magnus is drowning in waves of something he can’t quite name. Sadness, despair? Self-hatred? The emotion doesn’t have a name, but it settles under Magnus’s skin, wiring him in the most terrible ways. He’s never found magic that could make it go away, only time does _that,_ but Magnus can’t bear to wait. It reminds him of another century and a lonely bridge in London on a stormy night.

Angry, red sparks gather around Magnus’s fingers, anxious to protect, to destroy anything that dares threaten him.

_“Kamu pantas mati! (/ You deserve to die!)”_

“Stop!” He releases a wave of raw magic in his father’s direction, and there’s a moment of relief. Just like when he did it the first time.

But now the magic goes through the man, crashing into a chair and smashing it against the wall.

His father stares at Magnus with disappointment. _“Apakah kamu lihat?_ _Inilah dirimu. (/ Do you see? This is what you are.)”_

Magnus can’t argue with that. The magic is wild in his veins, boiling together with his emotions. Frustrated, he pulls at his hair until there’s no trace of the careful styling Magnus did before the party. “You’re not real!” And there’s another flash of flames, directionless, reaching for anything in sight. It startles Magnus, makes his heart race and his hands tremble more than even his father’s presence. He’s lost control in a way he hasn’t in many years.

The bedroom is a wreck, destroyed by wild magic without Magnus even being aware of it. But this is what his magic does - it burns and destroys. How many times have people been on the receiving end of it? So many mistakes, _Lilith, he is a monster_.

“ _Anda membakar semua yang anda sentuh” (/ You burn everything you touch.)_

He does. He will. This is all he is.

His father kneels in front of him, eyes warm like they sometimes used to be when Magnus was a child. It makes something deep and forgotten in Magnus ache.

“ _Kamu melakukan ini_. (/ _You did this_.)” He mumbles, voice no longer accusatory, but rather stating a fact.

“Maafkan saya, ayah. (/I’m sorry, father.)” This language is too familiar on Magnus’s tongue, this familiarity is an awful, bitter thing. He tries to breathe through it, but his chest is too heavy to fully fill his lungs. “I didn’t mean to,” He gasps. “I never meant to hurt anyone.”

_“Kamu adalah monster. (/ You’re a monster.)”_

Magnus rests his head against the wall, digging his nails into his wrist hard enough to leave marks, but the pain doesn’t lessen the weight of defeat. As all his failures flash before his eyes, Magnus finally understands. “Aku monster. (/I’m a monster.)” It’s the truth. It’s always been the truth. No amount of good deeds will ever make up for what he is. For the things he’s done.

_“Kamu pantas mati. (/ You deserve to die.)”_

“Aku layak mati. (/I deserve to die.)” Magnus repeats. It’s never been clearer - he doesn’t deserve immortality, he should have died a long time ago. If he had, so many other people would have lived. “Maafkan saya, maafkan saya… (/ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry…)_ ”

He can’t keep doing this.

_“Maka jangan. (/ Then don’t.)”_

So he doesn’t.

* * *

Magnus stumbles out of the apartment, each passing face another one he failed, or killed or disappointed. There has to be a point where you just stop.

He thinks he can hear someone calling his name, the sound distorted so that Magnus can’t tell if it’s the one he chose, or the one his parents used to call him. The sound fills him with panic - if he hears another person spell out his darkest fears he might break right here and now. So, he finds enough presence of mind to create a portal and lets it take him to the first place that comes to mind.

Magnus steps out on a bridge.

It’s peaceful here, silence only disrupted by the occasionally passing car. Magnus bends over the railing so that he can see the water below. While his mind hasn’t quieted, he feels like he can finally draw a breath. It’s almost over.

The water is peaceful.

“ _Anda tahu bahwa anda harus melakukannya. (/ You know you have to do it.)”_

Magnus breaths in the cool air, lets it rush through him. “Aku layak mati. (/I deserve to die.)”

There’s a voice in the back of his mind, telling him he is not in his right mind, whispering of love and opportunities. But it’s too quiet, and his father’s voice is too loud.

And he wanted this before. Back then he foolishly let Camille stop him, and for what? So that he could get his best friend killed? Let Valentine slaughter his people? Or maybe it was so that he could become a personal warlock to a bunch of Nephilim, who will only ever see him as a demon?

No, Magnus wants this. It’s for the best, for everyone.

Magnus turns away from the edge-

…and steps towards the traffic.

An approaching truck catches his eye.

_“Inilah dirimu. (/ This is what you are.)”_

He’s ready now. One last time, he looks up at the world-

only to see a group of people frantically approaching from the other side. Golden cat eyes meet hazel.

Magnus smiles and steps into the street.

**\---Earlier at the party---**

Alec carefully regards a distressed Clary.

“How do you expect me to stay here with the monster who murdered my mother?” She snaps, making Alec flinch.

“I know I can never make up for that.” He manages to say. The room is too warm, too loud and he can’t take a proper breath. But that’s alright, because Alec deserves to suffer for his crime.

“You should’ve been the one to-”

“Alec!” Jace’s voice cuts Clary off.

“Jace.” Alec sighs with relief. A part of him - a deeply buried one - knows what Clary was about to say, even if he’d never admit it out loud. But the presence of his parabatai puts Alec at ease, even if only by a little.

That quickly changes when he sees Jace’s face.

“Have you seen Magnus?” He asks looking between Alec and Clary.

Alec is instantly alert. “No, why? What’s going on?”

Jace grits his teeth. “Something’s wrong. Everybody’s acting crazy, I thought Maryse tried to kill me, but then I saw Magnus and he wasn’t making any sense. I don’t know what’s going on.”

Alec’s heart starts thudding. “Where’s Magnus?”

Jace shakes his head. “He locked himself in his room and then ran ou-”

Alec is already running towards the bedroom. He has a bad feeling, but it doesn’t come close to the wave of dread he’s drenched in when he sees the furniture in the bedroom destroyed.

Clary gasps behind him. “What happened here?”

Alec begins to panics. Was Magnus taken? Was there a fight? Is he hurt? But-

Alec pauses, realizing he can recognize traces of Magnus’s own magic. It makes no sense, unless…

He turns to Clary. “What were you saying earlier? We were okay before, why would you- I know that I-" He steels himself, now is not the time. “It came out of nowhere.”

And it’s the truth. Somehow, his head feels clearer, like a fog he hadn’t been aware of has lifted, and he can see now that while _he_ might blame himself, the cruel words are not something he would expect form Clary.

“I was just saying, I couldn’t keep watching Simon cheat on me.” Clary explains slowly, unsure of what’s happening.

Alec opens and closes his mouth, trying to fit the pieces together in his mind.

“Cheat on you? What are you talking about?” Simon appears in the doorway with a shocked look on his face. “And what happened here?” He eyes the damage.

“You bastard!” Clary shoves Simon, who only barely manages to catch himself.

“What are you two doing?” Jace yells stepping in between the pair.

But Simon is enraged, turning on Jace instead. “What did you say to her?”

 _It’s a spell,_ Alec’s brain finally catches up. He’s been around enough magic recently to recognize its effects. Nonetheless, the realization is startling. “It’s a spell!” He tells them once his mouth catches up.

“I didn’t say anything! You’re the one who-”

No, no, if Magnus is affected, and now he’s not here… Alec needs to find him, _now_.

“ _Shut up_!” He yells, fuelled by the panic rising in his chest. “It’s a spell. We’ve been hallucinating. You need to snap out of it and help me find Magnus.” He’s breathing heavily, searching the eyes of his friends.

Clary and Simon still seem disoriented, but Jace has his hand over his parabatai rune, brow furrowed. “You think he’s in danger?”

Alec swallows heavily. “I don’t know.”

“The last I saw him, he was fleeing the apartment. He seemed…” Jace hesitates. “out of it.”

Alec narrows his eyes. “You should have followed him.”

“I tried!” Jace raises his hands in mock defence. “He went through a portal. That’s why I came to find _you_.”

“By the Angel.” Alec pulls out his phone, quickly scanning through his contacts until he finds Magnus’s name. He can hear the others talking quietly, but his focus is on the ringing phone.

“Come on, come on, come on- damn it.” He curses when the call goes to voicemail.

He turns to Jace frantically. “We need to track him-”

“The bridge!” Simon blurts and then winces when all eyes turn to him. “I- I just- hmm-”

“By the Angel, if you know something…” Alec hisses, all patience lost.

Simon’s eyes widen. “Magnus once told me a story about- I didn’t want to say anything, but… Do you- do you really think he could be in danger?”

“Simon.” Alec warns.

“He once tried to kill himself.” Simon says finally and then winces when everyone gasps.

Everyone except Alec, who can’t seem to breathe at all.

“Many years ago, when he was living in London… He was going to jump off the bridge. I just thought, if the spell messed with his head, maybe that’s like, his vulnerability.” Simon explains sheepishly.

“So what, we’re supposed to go to London?” Jace asks, sensing Alec’s inner turmoil.

“Maybe something closer? More familiar.” Clary suggests cautiously.

“The Brooklyn Bridge.” Simon whispers.

Alec forces air into his lungs, allowing just one second to collect himself. They’re wrong, they have to be wrong. Magnus wouldn’t- But even if they’re wrong and he’s not there, they have a whole other problem.

He activates his speed rune and takes off without checking if the others are following.

* * *

“No!” Alec screams as he watches Magnus step in front of an upcoming truck.

The driver swirls, trying to avoid him. He’s not fast enough.

The world is a blur, and the next thing Alec knows he’s kneeling by Magnus. Blood is pooling under them, seeping into Alec’s pants and he can’t think, can’t breathe-

“No, no, Magnus. Magnus!” His hands hover as he tries to take note of the injuries, but there are _so many_ , and he can’t even tell what’s superficial and what’s not.

All Alec knows is he needs Magnus, can’t live without him.

“Alec, he’s alive.” Jace says and that’s when Alec notices the shallow breaths.

“Call Catarina.” Alec throws Jace his phone. “Do it, _now_.”

“What can I do?” Clary asks, kneeling on the other side of Magnus.

Alec manages to tear his eyes away from Magnus, it’s the sight of tears in the girl’s eyes that stops Alec from snapping. The panic that reflects his own. “The driver?”

She shakes her head. “He ran.”

“Alec, she’s not answering.” Jace says worriedly.

“What? No, no…” He snatches the phone from Jace’s open fingers, fumbling before he manages to make the call himself.

She doesn’t answer.

“I- I don’t think we have enough time.” Clary whispers, her voice shaking. “Magnus, can you hear me?”

That snaps Alec’s attention back to the scene. For the first time, he notices Magnus’s eyes are open, unfocused and staring at something past Alec’s shoulder.

“Magnus.” He unsuccessfully tries catching Magnus’s unglamored eyes, the ones he so rarely gets to see. “We have to do something!” He looks at Jace hopelessly, because he can’t find the answer himself, not when his world is turning upside down-

Jace opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times. There’s resignation in his eyes and it makes Alec seethe, he’s about to snap-

“He has to heal himself.” Jace says quickly, carefully kneeling beside Alec. “He just needs to heal himself enough so that we can move him, then we can get Catarina.”

It’s a good plan, but Magnus is still staring at nothing, unreacting as his breathing seems to become shallower with each passing second. Still, it’s the only plan they have so Alec grabs onto it.

“Okay, okay.” Alec carefully takes Magnus’s uninjured hand and intertwines their fingers, leaning closer so that he’s in his boyfriend’s line of vision. “Magnus? Magnus hey, can you hear me? It’s me, I’m right here.” He tries gently, even though his voice shakes with the raw panic. “I- I need you to take my strength, okay? You’re gonna be alright, but you have to heal yourself now.” But Magnus doesn’t show any sign of having heard him. “Come on, Magnus!” He cries.

“Th- the spell? It might still be affecting him...” Clary says shakily, wincing at Alec’s sharp glare.

“By the Angel,” And what is he supposed to do with that? “we have to do _something_.”

Except there’s nothing they _can_ do, and they all know it.

“I’ll try Catarina again.” Jace says before grabbing the phone back.

“Magnus?” Clary asks, leaning down with a frown.

Magnus is saying something, mouthing the words silently. Alec leans closer as well, careful not to stir Magnus too much.

“Aku monster…”

Alec frowns, the words are unfamiliar. While he can guess the meaning of the word ‘monster’, assuming it has the same meaning in English, it’s not a language Alec recognizes.

“Aku layak mati. Aku monster. Aku layak mati…”

“What is he saying?” Clary asks quietly.

But Alec shakes his head. “I have no idea.”

“He’s saying it over and over again.” Clary runs a gentle hand over Magnus’s shoulder. “Magnus, _please_. I just lost my mom, I can’t lose you too…”

“Damn it, she’s still not answering.” Jace murmurs.

“Keep trying.” Alec snaps, not taking his eyes off Magnus. The entire night feels like a dream, he doesn’t understand when everything went so wrong. “Magnus, it’s Alec. You have to snap out of it, okay?” He gently touches Magnus’s cheek. “It’s the spell… whatever you’re seeing - it’s not _real_. But _I am_.”

“Aku layak mati…”

Alec freezes. “Aku…” He meets Clary’s questioning gaze. “It’s Indonesian! He’s speaking Indonesian.” He hisses.

“The spell.” She trails off thoughtfully. “Can you…?”

Alec shakes his head. He only knows one phrase in Magnus’s tongue language… Or he did, when his brain wasn’t jumbled up by crippling fear.

But Magnus’s skin is freezing cold under Alec’s fingers and his eyes start dropping. Alec gasps at the realization - Magnus is slipping away.

“N- no, no, no- _Magnus_.” Alec cries, carefully wrapping himself around the warlock, so that Magnus is in his arms but his injuries aren’t being aggravated too much. “Aku cinta kamu.” Alec whispers, hoping – praying that it’s enough.

“…layak mati…”

“Aku cinta kamu…” He repeats desperately. “Please, I don’t know anything else. But I’m here, it’s me.” Alec’s voice falls to a whisper, as if anything louder might shatter them both. “It’s Alexander. You have to take my strength. _Please_.” He caresses Magnus’s cold cheek. “Aku cinta kamu. Don’t do this, it was the spell. You have to _live_.”

Magnus pauses, but Alec can’t decide whenever it’s a good sign or a really, really bad one.

“Magnus? God, Magnus don’t do this. Don’t give up now. I-” He flashes back to when he was affected by the magic himself, how disoriented and overwhelmed he felt. He thinks about the phrase Clary didn’t say and wonders what could have happened if things had gone a little differently, if Magnus wasn’t affected and Jace hadn’t come running in. “I know it feels like it’s too much, like- like you try to think about the good things in your life, to remember how it felt like when things were okay, and- and you realize you can’t find that feeling-” His voice breaks, but he forces himself to keep talking. “and you think - _maybe it was never even there_. M- maybe you just imagined it… But Magnus, it _was_. It _is_. You have a life, and friends who love you like family and you have _me_. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but you _were_ happy. I think, we were happy together.” Alec closes his eyes, hard enough to see colors on his eyelids. “You need to live, otherwise you’ll never know. So _please_ , take my strength.”

Alec opens his eyes again. Just for a moment, Magnus’s gaze seems to settle on him, to actually _see_ him. For that one moment Alec holds his breath, foolish hope brewing in his chest-

And then Magnus’s eyes roll back in his head, and his chest stops rising and falling.

Alec gasps, shaking Magnus's still body. "N- no-"

"M- Magnus.” Clary cries. "G-God." She turns away sharply, muffling sobs into her hands.

Alec is frozen. There can’t be a world without Magnus Bane, there just can’t. _This_ can't be happening, so he tightens his hold on Magnus, refusing to fall apart. “ _Take my strength_.” Alec sobs. “I love you. Aku cinta kamu.” He whimpers, squeezing his eyes shut again and bringing the hand entwined with Magnus’s to his lips and then against his forehead. “Aku cinta kamu.” He whispers one last time, before his throat seems to stop working and he can’t, for the life of him, say anything else.

Silence.

A pull.

Alec gasps and all heads shoot up to stare at him.

Tiny, blue sparks start dancing between their interlaced fingers.

Magnus takes a breath.

* * *

“Alec? Did you hear what I just said? This is important.” Catarina’s voice snaps Alec out of his thoughts.

“I know.” He mumbles. But his hands won’t stop shaking and he can’t get those terrible few seconds when he was sure Magnus was gone out of his head.

Catarina sighs before sinking to the edge of Magnus’s bed to face Alec. “Physically, he’s alright.”

“Physically.” Alec repeats dryly.

He casts a glance at Magnus, lying on the bed in the restored bedroom, as still as he was on the blood covered street.

Catarina follows his eyes. “I don’t know what spell was used. And I don’t know how much damage it did… those kind of mind invasion spells, they can get tricky when mixed with physical trauma.”

Alec tenses, for the first time he tears his eyes away from Magnus to look at Catarina. “But he’ll wake up, right?”

Catarina bites her lip. “I-”

“ _Right_?”

“We can only wait.” Cat says sadly. “Physically, there’s no reason he wouldn’t.”

Alec hesitates. “He was speaking Indonesian.” There’s a silent question he doesn’t voice.

Catarina frowns, before she seems to notice Alec’s concerned gaze and her eyes soften. “Most likely an effect of the spell or the trauma…” She eyes Magnus. “ _When_ he wakes up, he’s likely to be out of it. Maybe even still under the spell. Not like before,” Catarina hurries to explain when Alec freezes. “But there might be traces left, so we’ll need to keep an eye on him. And if he does seem… _not like himself_ when he wakes up, there’s no reason to panic. Okay?”

Alec uses all his shadowhunter training to mold his expression into something more or less neutral. But his heart is breaking, every muscle is on alert - aching to train, to haunt, run, but never leave - all at the same time. He nods. “Okay.”

So Alec waits. He waits for six hours, not moving from Magnus’s side. Catarina leaves with a promise to come back after her shift and his siblings and Clary go back to cover for him at the institute, for which he’s inconceivably grateful.

He waits until finally, Magnus starts to stir.

* * *

There are no nightmares. Magnus is simply in darkness, there and not at the same time and it’s such a _relief_. He wants to stay in the darkness - the nothing. But there’s something else… a pull... Of magic? Something more?

Magnus wakes slowly. The sensation in his limbs comes back first, before he slowly cracks his eyes open.

He gasps.

_His mother with a dagger in her limp hand, blood staining the bed. His father, screaming, eyes filled with rage and horror-_

“Magnus!”

Magnus flinches and turns away from the scene, searching for the voice. The sudden movement makes his head ache and the room spin. He groans but it’s worth it, because suddenly there are familiar walls and wide, hazel eyes watching him with barely concealed panic.

Magnus blinks, struggling to bring the world into focus. When he scans the room, the horrible scene is no longer there. Only his regular room.

“-ay, you’re safe…”

But his father is still there, somewhere in the corner of Magnus’s eyes, and the echo of his harsh voice lingers in the air. If Magnus focuses on it hard enough-

“Magnus?”

The voice is small. So, so small and scared, it’s all wrong. This voice should never sound like that.

 _Hazel Eyes_ shifts closer. “Magnus, can you hear me?”

Magnus. The man keeps calling him that. But that wasn’t always his name, it wasn’t what his parents used to call him.

His mother.

His father.

His father, surrounded by flames. Screaming in agony, skin melting off his bones…

A faceless whisper - ‘ _Kamu pantas mati.’_

Magnus’s throat hurts, and his voice comes out in a whisper, but the words are seared into his brain. “Aku layak mati.”

 _Hazel Eyes_ inhales sharply and suddenly, before carefully leaning closer so that Magnus notices how red the eyes are, how they’re filling with tears once again. “I don’t know what that _means_.” He says desperately, as if he’s truly wrecked over the fact. “Magnus, can- can you understand me?”

 _He does_. Magnus wants to say so, but can’t find the words, or can’t bring them past his throat. Maybe it’s both. But he yearns to erase some of the strain from that voice, so he manages to nod.

The man practically sags with relief. “Okay, okay.” He takes a moment to collect himself before addressing Magnus again. “Do you know where you are?”

That’s a good question. Probably one Magnus should have asked himself already. He looks around again, this time trying to pinpoint the familiarity. And it _is_ familiar.

But he must take too long, because Hazel Eyes starts speaking with a concerned frown. “We’re in your home, in Brooklyn- New York. Catarina fixed your bedroom...” The man falters. “It’s 2019 and you’re in America. I don’t know what you saw, but it wasn’t real. It was a spell.”

Magnus is too disoriented to process all that, so he catches onto the words _home_ and _2019_ , which sound the most important. He turns them over in his head, carefully deciding whenever or not to believe them.

“Magnus, hey.” Hazel Eyes brings Magnus’s attention back to himself. “Do you-” He swallows and somehow Magnus knows the next question will cost the man before him. “Do you know who I am?”

Magnus blinks, carefully regarding Alec and trying to find the answer in his hazy mind.

Except, he already did.

“Alexander.” He whispers, the name forming almost instinctively.

Alec’s eyes light up, and the familiarity of them finally brings Magnus to the present - the party, his stepfather, the bridge. The car-

… _pain_.

And then something else. A warm hand clutching his, a desperate voice coaxing him back…

Alec latches onto his arm, making Magnus realize how much the shadowhunter’s hands are shaking. “By the Angel, Magnus.” Alec buries his face in Magnus’s side.

“Saya-” Magnus stops just as Alec tenses, his wide eyes meeting Magnus’s. Magnus has to remind himself to form words in English instead of the long-discarded mother tongue he’s somehow slipped back into. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“It’s not okay. You- I thought-” Alec chokes.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus breaths, because he can’t find the words for anything else.

Alec’s arms tighten around Magnus. He looks like he might say something else, but he shakes his head with a frown. “How do you feel? Are you still seeing anything?”

Magnus steals a glance at the shadowed part of the room, half-expecting to see his father. But there’s nothing there. No voices in his head, only Alexander. “I’m not.” He says honestly.

“That was a spell. It got in all of our heads, whatever you saw wasn’t real.” Alec explains while searching Magnus’s eyes.

Magnus gets the sense he’s been told this before, but he can’t remember it directly. Now, it finally helps sink in just how dire the situation was and he gulps. “Okay.” Magnus says, because it seems Alec needs to hear him say it. “Who?”

Alec’s eyes darken. “I don’t know... _yet_.”

Sleep starts taking Magnus under again, his dazed mind longs to shut down, making keeping his eyes open a struggle.

“Magnus?” Alec sounds panicked, so Magnus manages a weak smile.

“I’m alright. Just tired.” He assures.

Alec’s body relaxes, even though his eyes are still full of anxiety and concern. “Then rest, I’ll be here.” He promises.

It’s the last thing Magnus hears before the world falls away once again.

* * *

It takes four days for the spell to wear off completely. Four fucking days of watching Magnus come in and out of himself, constantly terrified of a repeat of the bridge incident. For the most part, Magnus seems to handle it well, always careful to keep his magic in check and constantly assuring Alec he’s okay. Except every now and then, Magnus will sink into some horrible place. He’ll stare at something only he can see and speak in Indonesian, sometimes yelling or even screaming. It scares the shit out of Alec every time. He even considers trying to learn the language so that he can keep up.

And the worst part is Magnus doesn’t talk about it. He hides behind carefully constructed walls and always deflects Alec’s cautions attempts at bringing the incident up. But Alec is afraid to push, for all he knows those walls might be the only thing keeping Magnus together while the spell wears off.

So, seven days after the party, three days after the spell wears off, Alec finally asks.

It’s Alec’s last day off from the institute, there’s only so long his siblings can keep Aldertree off his back. And Alec doesn’t know how he’s supposed to leave. Magnus has appeared to be fine ever since the spell wore off, but Alec can’t stop thinking about that street, and blood soaking through his clothes. He sees it every time he closes his eyes, hears Clary’s shattered sobs.

So, on his last evening off, Alec brings it up. “We need to talk.” He says.

Magnus shuts his book and stares at Alec. “That sentence never brought anything good.”

Alec blinks. “What? No. No, it’s nothing like that.” He rushes to correct. “It’s just that I’m going back to the institute tomorrow…”

“And you’re worried I’m going to what? Kill myself?”

“Magnus.” Alec flinches.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus sighs, frowning. “I know you’re looking out for me, and I appreciate it. But that was the spell, not me. You have to know that, and you have to stop treating me like I’m made of glass. Because I’m not.”

“ _Of course_ I know that. Magnus, you’re one of the strongest people I know. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get hurt, or- or…”

“It was the spell.” Magnus stresses again.

“Was it?” Alec asks, hating that he has to bring it up but knowing they have to talk about it. “Simon said-”

“Of course he did.” Magnus interrupts, looking away.

“Hey, he was the reason we found you when we did.” Alec defends. It’s probably the first time he’s defended Clary’s annoying friend over anything, but even as he says it Alec realizes the kind of debt he owes Simon. He might have to stop referring to him as _the vampire_ from now on.

“Oh.” Magnus says. “I suppose that makes sense. I should thank him some time.”

“You don’t need to. He did it because he cares about you. We all do.” Alec pauses. “You know that, right?”

“Alexander…”

“I was affected by the spell too, you know. I saw Clary calling me a murderer.” Alec begins, he doesn’t like drenching up the memory, or the self-hatred that’s attached. But maybe he can make Magnus see he understands. Or that he _can understand_ , if Magnus gives him a chance. “she was saying something, Jace interrupted her after you portaled out, and realizing you were in danger snapped me out of it, but…”

“What was she saying?” Magnus probes gently when Alec trails off.

“She was going to say… that I should have been the one to die.” Alec admits.

“Alexander,” Magnus gasps. “that’s not-”

“I know,” Alec interrupts. “I know, but if I’m being entirely honest. I don’t know what I would have done if Jace hadn’t interrupted us. I just, I could feel that intention, you know? And I’d love to say it’s all on the magic, but…”

Magnus nods, frowning with worry. “Magic doesn’t create what isn’t already there. You haven’t… thought about it, have you?”

“No, at least not consciously.” Alec reassures, watching Magnus breathe out with relief. “Have you? I mean obviously there’s what happened in London. But, recently?”

Magnus looks like he would very much like to deflect the conversation, and Alec braces himself for it. To his surprise Magnus sighs and reaches for his hand, tracing his fingers with gentle care. “I’ve thought about it every now and then, but never with real intention. I hadn’t gone back there at all since I met you.”

“Thank the Angel.” Alec breathes, relieved Magnus is finally talking about it and even more relieved by the answer. “But have you thought about it since the spell? Catarina said there might be side effects…”

“A spell like this tends to leave a mark, especially once it’s been allowed to run as deep as this.” Magnus says thoughtfully. “I did think about it.” He admits, to which Alec grabs his hand anxiously. “It’s brought back some… issues. Things I’ve tried to push down. But I know those things I heard weren’t true.”

“What did you hear?” Alec asks gently.

Magnus shakes his head.

“Magnus…”

“Terrible, hurtful things that were wrong. I don’t remember much after I left the party, but when I try to think about it I see you.”

“Me?”

“You, holding on to me. Telling me you love me.” He explains.

“Oh. I- I didn’t think you were aware of that.” Alec says surprised.

“I wasn’t. Not really, but something registered. That spell made me think you- _well_. That you couldn’t really care about me. But then I could feel how… _wrecked_ you were, and it made me want to get better.”

“Is that why you finally took my strength?” Alec asks curiously.

“Magic responds to intention. You saved me when just for a second you made me want to live.” Magnus explains. “And I want to live, Alexander. Even if sometimes my own head turns against me. I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“Good.” Alec says, looking more at ease. “Because I’m not letting you go.”

“I love you too, by the way.” Magnus adds smiling.

Alec gasps before crashing their lips together in a fierce yet short kiss. All too soon Alec is pulling away to lean his forehead against Magnus’s. “It’s not just me, you know? Jace was the one to notice you disappear, even under the spell he came to find me. We all managed to break through the spell once we realized you were in real danger. And you should have seen how Clary was sobbing when we found you… Not to mention Catarina was ready to murder someone when we finally managed to call her. We all love you.”

“I’m beginning to see that.” Magnus mumbles, choked up. “Even if I don’t understand it.”

“What? Why?” Alec frowns, as if he truly can’t see why Magnus would think that. “Don’t you know how amazing you are?”

“I guess you’re going to tell me.”

“Every day.” Alec agrees, a tone that says he’s entirely serious.

Magnus laughs, the first real laugh since Max’s party and some of the weight lifts off Alec’s shoulders.

They’re not okay, but tomorrow Alec will go to the institute without spiralling into worry and self-doubt. And Magnus will invite Clary out for lunch, hug her and promise he’s not going anywhere.

They’ll get there, one day at a time.

**Author's Note:**

> Well I hope this wasn't too bad.


End file.
